MEMORIAL VACUUM BAG
By Darin Z.Krogh
I called my sister-in-law the other day. She is recovering from breast cancer surgery
and in an attempt to cheer her spirit, I brought up the subject of death. I reminded her
that she and her husband, my brother several years ago had decided that whoever
outlived the other had the duty of sprinkling the cremated spouse’s ashes on the rug and
then vacuuming them up.
I worked hard to convince my wife that she and I should adopt the same policy, that
when either of us should pass away, the other spreads the cremation ashes on the carpet
and vacuums them up.
My wife works at a taxing job. I am the house husband who does most of the house
cleaning while my wife is away bread winning. As you might guess, my wife does not do
the vacuuming at our house. That task falls unto me, the house husband. It is fair. Most
of our neighbors are elderly females and old school so they give high praise when they see
me performing tasks that were reserved for wives when they were younger women. Their
praise makes me feel better about stirring the brush in the blue cleaner coloring the bowl
of the toilet that I am sanitizing.
My wife is unfamiliar with the operation of our home vacuum cleaner since she has no
experience with the device. So I gave her a quick familiarization of our vacuum cleaner
explaining how easily cremated ashes would come up cleanly from the carpet. She agreed
to the post-departed arrangement of my brother and his wife.
I am several years older than my wife and through the years have indulged in habits
that place me in the category of suffering an “earlier rather than later” death. I do expect
to enter my eternal rest years before my spouse.
Some of you may suspect that I have made this pact with my wife to gain some short
sighted satisfaction that she would have to finally do a little vacuuming. But that is not so.
My wife earns a good income. My early retirement pension is not so good. And I need
a sugar daddy (mommy?) to bankroll my latest money making idea stated below.
When I heard of my brother and his wife’s ash vacuuming agreement, suddenly a light
bulb illuminated, the idea for this incredible product: Memorial Vacuum Bags.
In order to save her urn money, I suggested that my wife take the bag out after getting
all the ashes off the carpet, zip it up, then write “Darin” on the outside with a marking pen
and hang it in our closet. It would save a lot of money. Urns are expensive as are holes
in the cemetery grounds in which to bury the urns. If my wife felt a ceremony was required,
she could have close friends and family over for the vacuuming.
My money making idea is to sell couples all across America on the ash vacuuming
ceremony. Lots of wives would be attracted to the arrangement just to think that their
hubby would have to run the vacuum FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE, even if only for a few
The plain foil lined memorial vacuum bags will go for $10 each (plus shipping) at my
web site. The faux gold foil bags will run in the $25 range. Wives, buy two if you think
you might somehow grow bored with widow-hood and make the mistake of marrying again.